Loneliness and Worship
I thought this morning I would share some thing very personal to me but one I believe can be helpful for your own journey...for your own deliverance.
Loneliness is a fight I’ve known much of my life. A woman surrounded by many people, yet untouched by most. It’s a strange place to stand in…Standing in the midst of but always standing out from the crowd. From that perspective, loneliness is almost a given. The hard part about this loneliness is that the enemy has always attempted to use it as a weapon against my life. A weapon to draw me into depression, into perversion, into low esteem and well, honestly, for me it worked for quite some time until one day I became fed up with being beat up in the places in my life I was designed to win.
I am a believer of Jesus Christ. I am a daughter of the Most High God. How could loneliness be such a defeat in my life? One night in the midst of prayer, the Lord said to me, “Daughter, I want to give you the answer to loneliness.” I thought to myself, “What!” You see, I struggled to be honest enough to say that loneliness was my actual issue. I wrapped it In everything but what it actually was. What do I mean? In some of my most vulnerable moments, I wrapped it in masturbation. I closed my eyes and satisfied my own longings. In some of my most vulnerable moments, I went into my imagination and I daydreamed about a picture perfect wedding…an ideal fairytale romance. Surely that was my issue. I had a problem in my imagination. I still needed deliverance from the coping mechanisms of past trauma but that wasn't it.
I want to be honest with you because true deliverance cant come where we wont be honest about whats really going on in our lives behind the public eye. I was struggling and I didn’t get it. I would be so good and then these moments would show up. I yielded every time and in that yielding, I was filled with so much condemnation. It was unimaginable the guilt, the tears, the ugly words I said about myself because I had fallen again. I didn't want any of this but i had no idea how to be free from it.
One night, it changed and I want to tell you how. I was laying on my bed, knowing that loneliness was creeping in again and I did not want any part of what it was trying to offer to me.
As I laid there, I heard the voice of God say, “I want to give you the answer to what you are feeling. I want to show you how to win this” and then he gently whispered, ”Worship. Right where you are worship. At the greatest height of what you are actually feeling there is an outpouring of love your heart is crying out for from me and I want to feel that void. Until you allow me to fill that void, you will keep filling it with cheap substitutes. You will remain pretending that you are good when you are not."
So I went for broke that night and I worshipped God. I opened my mouth and my imagination to God. I allowed him to fill my mouth with words of worship and my imagination with vivid pictures of him on his throne...his arms wrapped around his struggling daughter. There he exposed every ache my heart had because broken promises, stolen innocence, false love and the feelings of unwantedness.
I know this is not your typical writing on worship and it most certainly is not filled with tons of scripture but I want you to know the true power of worship. That worship is more than just what we do in a building on a Sunday or on a Wednesday. That there is a meeting with God that destroys the yokes of bondage. Think about the Samaritan woman in John 4. She was searching for something that she was trying to find in the arms of a man to no avail. Then she met Jesus at the well and there she drank from a well that filled her in a way she had never been filled before. She was filled in such a way that became a witness of Jesus Christ to the Samaritan woman.
One of your greatest weapons is worship...Worship of the Most High God. There is much God desires to offer you...just as he offered to me deliverance in that moment from this fight of loneliness. My prayer in writing this is that you would be honest with your fight and invite God into it so you can be free.
Pray with me:
We declare today that you are Holy and Amazing God. We recognize that you are such a good Father....that our experiences with our earthly fathers may have not been the best but we are so grateful that we can turn to you in the midst of our hardest issues. In this moment we give you our loneliness in our singleness, in our purpose, the cracks in our worth and in our value. Today we give you our longings of intimacy and we declare we will no longer attempt to fill it with natural fillers that can satisfy. We draw to you as the well of living water and we pray fill our deepest longings.
In Jesus Name.